After receiving the email from my father, I began to give deep thought as to what he and my friends had said. In some respects, I thought each of them had ideas that absolutely needed to be implemented in my relationship with Samantha. I needed some time to digest them and then I needed to communicate them to her.
It would be another week of studying the Italian wine world, and then it was time for a visit to Boston. It would be a short visit, as she was well into classes and had no foreseeable break. Instead, I would have to make a plan for the weekend that would involve some quality time to share with her what I had learned. There was no plan to mention my friends and their thoughts individually. I rather planned to present these ideas as my own.
On the journey from Vermont to Massachusetts, I gathered my thoughts and began to formulate a plan as to how to gently present them. It was cold, and my first thought of a picnic would have to be reserved for another time. A nice dinner with wine seemed too serious, even though as it were very serious topics I planned to approach. I wanted a low-stress environment in which to present my ideas. Surely I could think of an activity, as that would reduce some anxiety from the seriousness of the conversation and my quest for answers.
I decided that I would take Samantha out for pizza and go bowling. Surely there was a place in Boston where you could have a slice and enjoy a good match among the lanes.
On Friday evening we went to dinner and in general just caught up on life. Her classes were getting harder and keeping her very busy. A Friday nite out was something that she had made a specific event on her calendar to blow off some steam from the week behind. We had tapas at a boutique Spanish bar with some of her schoolmates. I had met most of them previously. As we had dinner and they talked among themselves, my thoughts drifted to Saturday evening. My planning had to be flawless and my dialogue precise.
After several rounds of tapas and a few beers, we retreated back to her dorm. As usual, her roommate found other accommodations for the weekend so we had the room to ourselves. I pondered the idea of letting some of the discussion flow on Friday nite and thru the weekend, but a focused approach to Saturday seemed like a wise choice after all. I did, however, let her know that there was some topics that I wanted to discuss over bowling and she nodded in agreement. She seemed comfortable with the idea, even though I was the one who was uneasy. I was worried how my barrage of questioning might have on the outcome of our Saturday date.
On Saturday morning we had a lite breakfast in the dining hall. I helped her do some laundry after breakfast and we laid in her bed and talked about my study of Italy. She wanted the latest scoop on my plans to visit wineries and vineyards in Tuscany. I was happy to oblige.
A local bowling alley was easily found and they had pizza to order upon request from the kitchen. Our spot also had a large selection of beer on tap. Surely a few beers would lighten the atmosphere for conversation. It was after the first game, a slice and a few beers before I started asking questions. There was no easy question, so I started with one and went to the other. To my surprise, the answers that I would get were in line with or better than what I had hoped for.
Samantha thought we should have a specific "date-nite" once a week. Whether it was dinner and a movie at home or a nite out on the town doing a specific activity, once a week was her answer to the question. She additionally felt that we should take a road trip once every ninety days and travel internationally for two weeks each year as it would benefit us and my expertise with respect to my job.
I thought we might butt heads on the issues of finance and leadership, but I was impressed by her answers with respect to these as well. She absolutely wanted to be in the passenger seat with respect to both. While she enjoyed nice things, she thought that large purchases ought to be discussed and agreed upon. She additionally felt that putting money into the home and retirement were critically important. While she had her ideas, she wanted the responsibility for the finances to fall on my shoulders.
On leadership, she also wanted to take a passenger seat, and more preferably; a back seat. She wanted me to be the leader of our household. While she always wanted to be a person to consult and to have her opinions heard, she ultimately wanted the decisions to be made by yours truly.
Having digested all of this information in an afternoon, I felt a release of pressure emanate from my body. On paper, I had received the answers that I wanted. I was able to make a check mark in all the right boxes; so to speak; and I was confident in her answers. While Tuscany was still probably going to be a proving ground for the information that was just relayed, I felt at ease about continuing to plan the trip with this newfound information.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
A few days later, I received a response from my father via email.
Son,
I have spent quite a bit of time on your question. I have analyzed my own life and my relationship with your mother and this is what I have come up with.
You have to become and be a leader.
As you are well aware, I have been the leader in our household. It has not come without struggle, and neither will it come without struggle in your own relationship. Becoming a leader comes with time and with experience. It won't happen overnite.
I tell you this because I believe you need to hear it from me. I feel sure that you have learned some valuable lessons in your upbringing, but it is also imperative that you learn as you go. Whether you realize it at this point or not, you have the tools in your proverbial quiver to champion a relationship as a leader in your home.
It will also require Samantha to make this work. She will have to give you the time, ability and allow you to use your inherent and learned resources to take the role of a leader and to do it effectively. This. too, will not come without a struggle. It is a "slow dance" that you will have to perfect with time.
That said, you are capable. I believe in you. And whether it is Samantha that steps in or someone else in your life, I want you to have the resolve to be and become the leader of your home.
With Love,
Dad
Son,
I have spent quite a bit of time on your question. I have analyzed my own life and my relationship with your mother and this is what I have come up with.
You have to become and be a leader.
As you are well aware, I have been the leader in our household. It has not come without struggle, and neither will it come without struggle in your own relationship. Becoming a leader comes with time and with experience. It won't happen overnite.
I tell you this because I believe you need to hear it from me. I feel sure that you have learned some valuable lessons in your upbringing, but it is also imperative that you learn as you go. Whether you realize it at this point or not, you have the tools in your proverbial quiver to champion a relationship as a leader in your home.
It will also require Samantha to make this work. She will have to give you the time, ability and allow you to use your inherent and learned resources to take the role of a leader and to do it effectively. This. too, will not come without a struggle. It is a "slow dance" that you will have to perfect with time.
That said, you are capable. I believe in you. And whether it is Samantha that steps in or someone else in your life, I want you to have the resolve to be and become the leader of your home.
With Love,
Dad
After talking with Jeff, Andrew and Billy, I decided to write home.
Dad,
I have spoken with my closest friends here in Vermont, and they have each given me positive and affirming thoughts to consider. With the goal of developing a relationship that will last the test of time, I have received some strong advice.
Jeff advised me to spend quality time on a regular scheduled basis with Samantha and to take two, good, solid vacations each year. Andrew advised me to develop some common interests with Samantha and to make doing those things a priority. As with Jeff, the idea of "cooling the jets" and allowing work to be a bi-product of my success rings volumes. Finally, Billy weighed in with the idea of having a strong financial backbone to champion a relationship toward success.
Each of these ideas seems to be rooted in personal experiences that they have seen growing up. Each also seems to be an important tenant for their own successful future relationships.
I count myself lucky to have these friendships. We are all growing together in making strides toward a common profession, but it is the relationships themselves that I am coming to value most. Perhaps that even shows growth in myself as a person.
While you and Mom have had a successful relationship, I am excited to receive your letter as I want to hear from you in regards to the same question. "How do I go about having a relationship that will stand the test of time?" I am excited to hear your thoughts.
I wish you and Mom well, and I want to additionally say that all is well here in Vermont.
Dad,
I have spoken with my closest friends here in Vermont, and they have each given me positive and affirming thoughts to consider. With the goal of developing a relationship that will last the test of time, I have received some strong advice.
Jeff advised me to spend quality time on a regular scheduled basis with Samantha and to take two, good, solid vacations each year. Andrew advised me to develop some common interests with Samantha and to make doing those things a priority. As with Jeff, the idea of "cooling the jets" and allowing work to be a bi-product of my success rings volumes. Finally, Billy weighed in with the idea of having a strong financial backbone to champion a relationship toward success.
Each of these ideas seems to be rooted in personal experiences that they have seen growing up. Each also seems to be an important tenant for their own successful future relationships.
I count myself lucky to have these friendships. We are all growing together in making strides toward a common profession, but it is the relationships themselves that I am coming to value most. Perhaps that even shows growth in myself as a person.
While you and Mom have had a successful relationship, I am excited to receive your letter as I want to hear from you in regards to the same question. "How do I go about having a relationship that will stand the test of time?" I am excited to hear your thoughts.
I wish you and Mom well, and I want to additionally say that all is well here in Vermont.
Billy had grown-up in a family with strong finances. When I talked with him, that seemed to be his focus. He stated, "While money is not everything in a relationship, it can be a blessing or a curse. Fiscal discipline can make or break a relationship."
Billy's father was a special interest attorney in the private sector and Billy claimed that his mother and father constantly fought about money. They had plenty, as D.C. is no place to live on the cheap; but the bickering and fighting seemed to ensue on a regular basis. Billy had no interest in forming a relationship with anyone where money would be an issue, and cautioned me against a life with Samantha or anyone else where that issue arose. I agreed with him in theory, and had yet to see where that was an issue between Samantha and I. However, having not lived together, it seemed that our trip to Tuscany would flush out or at least give me some insight into her spending habits and her regard or disregard of personal finances. It was perhaps going to be a baseline to go by.
As I thought more about money, I resigned to the fact that Samantha and I would have to iron-out a budget for our trip. We had talked about it briefly with her being a student and I sort of on my own at this point, but bringing a finer point of clarity to the "nuts and bolts" of the issue might be strongly warranted.
Billy himself was a strong saver. While I too leaned toward the "save" part of the equation, I had a propensity to splurge on occasion. Within my proposed profession, seeing others pay dearly for a bottle of wine and even "throwing caution to the wind" on occasion was something I would definitely see regularly.
My personal preference was to build a wine cellar on the idea of investing. I would invest in bottles over time that might be able to be resold at a higher value. Like any investment, I hoped that my solid choices within the background of my knowledge of the industry might lend to some solid gains. Billy, too, planned to have a top-notch personal wine cellar. That was something we had in common.
Billy's father was a special interest attorney in the private sector and Billy claimed that his mother and father constantly fought about money. They had plenty, as D.C. is no place to live on the cheap; but the bickering and fighting seemed to ensue on a regular basis. Billy had no interest in forming a relationship with anyone where money would be an issue, and cautioned me against a life with Samantha or anyone else where that issue arose. I agreed with him in theory, and had yet to see where that was an issue between Samantha and I. However, having not lived together, it seemed that our trip to Tuscany would flush out or at least give me some insight into her spending habits and her regard or disregard of personal finances. It was perhaps going to be a baseline to go by.
As I thought more about money, I resigned to the fact that Samantha and I would have to iron-out a budget for our trip. We had talked about it briefly with her being a student and I sort of on my own at this point, but bringing a finer point of clarity to the "nuts and bolts" of the issue might be strongly warranted.
Billy himself was a strong saver. While I too leaned toward the "save" part of the equation, I had a propensity to splurge on occasion. Within my proposed profession, seeing others pay dearly for a bottle of wine and even "throwing caution to the wind" on occasion was something I would definitely see regularly.
My personal preference was to build a wine cellar on the idea of investing. I would invest in bottles over time that might be able to be resold at a higher value. Like any investment, I hoped that my solid choices within the background of my knowledge of the industry might lend to some solid gains. Billy, too, planned to have a top-notch personal wine cellar. That was something we had in common.
After my weekend with Jeff at the slopes, I had time during the week to talk to Andrew.
Andrew's answer to the question was simple, but seemed to ring true. "You need to develop some common interests with your partner to make that bond last a lifetime." He explained that he hoped that his future wife would have an interest in wine and fine dining. His parents, living in Boston, were fond of sailing when they had the chance.
As I thought about Samantha and I, I thought again about our trip we had planned to Tuscany. It seemed as though she was excited as I, so I reasoned that the time we had in the Tuscan hillsides would be a building block. She was additionally accepting of my career choice and even liked to ski. Surely we could find time thru my profession to explore the wine world together, and it may even take us to a place where skiing in the winter months would be an option. Samantha and I also liked the beach, so a place on the coast or at least a place with four seasons would be ideal for me when it was time to seek employment. However, that time seemed far into the future as of yet.
Andrew enjoyed sailing, but did not intend to return to Boston once he had finished school. He enjoyed the beach, but preferred surfing over sailing. His ideal destination was going to be San Diego, California. We talked at length about his desire to land a position there at one of their premier restaurants if he was so lucky; just like the rest of us, to obtain the sommelier designation.
We all dreamed that the four of us together would be able to pass all of the exams, but the chances of that outcome was slim...and we knew it. We were now close to wrapping up Italy, and then would move on to America, Germany and finally Australia. While I figured our study of New World wines would focus mostly on the top-five American states for grape production, there was much more to learn if we had a chance to pass the rigorous blind-tasting tests in our quest toward the sommelier designation.
We were now less than two months away from finishing our work in Vermont, and the question of my own competency with respect toward my long-term goals were coming fast into focus. After Italy, it would be time for a visit to Boston to see Samantha. By that time, I would have a firm grasp on the outlook from three of my most trusted advisors, and my father, about life and relationships.
Andrew's answer to the question was simple, but seemed to ring true. "You need to develop some common interests with your partner to make that bond last a lifetime." He explained that he hoped that his future wife would have an interest in wine and fine dining. His parents, living in Boston, were fond of sailing when they had the chance.
As I thought about Samantha and I, I thought again about our trip we had planned to Tuscany. It seemed as though she was excited as I, so I reasoned that the time we had in the Tuscan hillsides would be a building block. She was additionally accepting of my career choice and even liked to ski. Surely we could find time thru my profession to explore the wine world together, and it may even take us to a place where skiing in the winter months would be an option. Samantha and I also liked the beach, so a place on the coast or at least a place with four seasons would be ideal for me when it was time to seek employment. However, that time seemed far into the future as of yet.
Andrew enjoyed sailing, but did not intend to return to Boston once he had finished school. He enjoyed the beach, but preferred surfing over sailing. His ideal destination was going to be San Diego, California. We talked at length about his desire to land a position there at one of their premier restaurants if he was so lucky; just like the rest of us, to obtain the sommelier designation.
We all dreamed that the four of us together would be able to pass all of the exams, but the chances of that outcome was slim...and we knew it. We were now close to wrapping up Italy, and then would move on to America, Germany and finally Australia. While I figured our study of New World wines would focus mostly on the top-five American states for grape production, there was much more to learn if we had a chance to pass the rigorous blind-tasting tests in our quest toward the sommelier designation.
We were now less than two months away from finishing our work in Vermont, and the question of my own competency with respect toward my long-term goals were coming fast into focus. After Italy, it would be time for a visit to Boston to see Samantha. By that time, I would have a firm grasp on the outlook from three of my most trusted advisors, and my father, about life and relationships.
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