After receiving the email from my father, I began to give deep thought as to what he and my friends had said. In some respects, I thought each of them had ideas that absolutely needed to be implemented in my relationship with Samantha. I needed some time to digest them and then I needed to communicate them to her.

It would be another week of studying the Italian wine world, and then it was time for a visit to Boston. It would be a short visit, as she was well into classes and had no foreseeable break. Instead, I would have to make a plan for the weekend that would involve some quality time to share with her what I had learned. There was no plan to mention my friends and their thoughts individually. I rather planned to present these ideas as my own.

On the journey from Vermont to Massachusetts, I gathered my thoughts and began to formulate a plan as to how to gently present them. It was cold, and my first thought of a picnic would have to be reserved for another time. A nice dinner with wine seemed too serious, even though as it were very serious topics I planned to approach. I wanted a low-stress environment in which to present my ideas. Surely I could think of an activity, as that would reduce some anxiety from the seriousness of the conversation and my quest for answers.

I decided that I would take Samantha out for pizza and go bowling. Surely there was a place in Boston where you could have a slice and enjoy a good match among the lanes.

On Friday evening we went to dinner and in general just caught up on life. Her classes were getting harder and keeping her very busy. A Friday nite out was something that she had made a specific event on her calendar to blow off some steam from the week behind. We had tapas at a boutique Spanish bar with some of her schoolmates. I had met most of them previously. As we had dinner and they talked among themselves, my thoughts drifted to Saturday evening. My planning had to be flawless and my dialogue precise.

After several rounds of tapas and a few beers, we retreated back to her dorm. As usual, her roommate found other accommodations for the weekend so we had the room to ourselves. I pondered the idea of letting some of the discussion flow on Friday nite and thru the weekend, but a focused approach to Saturday seemed like a wise choice after all. I did, however, let her know that there was some topics that I wanted to discuss over bowling and she nodded in agreement. She seemed comfortable with the idea, even though I was the one who was uneasy. I was worried how my barrage of questioning might have on the outcome of our Saturday date.

On Saturday morning we had a lite breakfast in the dining hall. I helped her do some laundry after breakfast and we laid in her bed and talked about my study of Italy. She wanted the latest scoop on my plans to visit wineries and vineyards in Tuscany. I was happy to oblige.

A local bowling alley was easily found and they had pizza to order upon request from the kitchen. Our spot also had a large selection of beer on tap. Surely a few beers would lighten the atmosphere for conversation. It was after the first game, a slice and a few beers before I started asking questions. There was no easy question, so I started with one and went to the other. To my surprise, the answers that I would get were in line with or better than what I had hoped for.

Samantha thought we should have a specific "date-nite" once a week. Whether it was dinner and a movie at home or a nite out on the town doing a specific activity, once a week was her answer to the question. She additionally felt that we should take a road trip once every ninety days and travel internationally for two weeks each year as it would benefit us and my expertise with respect to my job.

I thought we might butt heads on the issues of finance and leadership, but I was impressed by her answers with respect to these as well. She absolutely wanted to be in the passenger seat with respect to both. While she enjoyed nice things, she thought that large purchases ought to be discussed and agreed upon. She additionally felt that putting money into the home and retirement were critically important. While she had her ideas, she wanted the responsibility for the finances to fall on my shoulders.

On leadership, she also wanted to take a passenger seat, and more preferably; a back seat. She wanted me to be the leader of our household. While she always wanted to be a person to consult and to have her opinions heard, she ultimately wanted the decisions to be made by yours truly.

Having digested all of this information in an afternoon, I felt a release of pressure emanate from my body. On paper, I had received the answers that I wanted. I was able to make a check mark in all the right boxes; so to speak; and I was confident in her answers. While Tuscany was still probably going to be a proving ground for the information that was just relayed, I felt at ease about continuing to plan the trip with this newfound information.   

 

A few days later, I received a response from my father via email.

Son,

I have spent quite a bit of time on your question. I have analyzed my own life and my relationship with your mother and this is what I have come up with.

You have to become and be a leader.

As you are well aware, I have been the leader in our household. It has not come without struggle, and neither will it come without struggle in your own relationship. Becoming a leader comes with time and with experience. It won't happen overnite.

I tell you this because I believe you need to hear it from me. I feel sure that you have learned some valuable lessons in your upbringing, but it is also imperative that you learn as you go. Whether you realize it at this point or not, you have the tools in your proverbial quiver to champion a relationship as a leader in your home. 

It will also require Samantha to make this work. She will have to give you the time, ability and allow you to use your inherent and learned resources to take the role of a leader and to do it effectively. This. too, will not come without a struggle. It is a "slow dance" that you will have to perfect with time.

That said, you are capable. I believe in you. And whether it is Samantha that steps in or someone else in your life, I want you to have the resolve to be and become the leader of your home.

With Love,

Dad

After talking with Jeff, Andrew and Billy, I decided to write home.

Dad,

I have spoken with my closest friends here in Vermont, and they have each given me positive and affirming thoughts to consider. With the goal of developing a relationship that will last the test of time, I have received some strong advice.

Jeff advised me to spend quality time on a regular scheduled basis with Samantha and to take two, good, solid vacations each year. Andrew advised me to develop some common interests with Samantha and to make doing those things a priority. As with Jeff, the idea of "cooling the jets" and allowing work to be a bi-product of my success rings volumes. Finally, Billy weighed in with the idea of having a strong financial backbone to champion a relationship toward success. 

Each of these ideas seems to be rooted in personal experiences that they have seen growing up. Each also seems to be an important tenant for their own successful future relationships.

I count myself lucky to have these friendships. We are all growing together in making strides toward a common profession, but it is the relationships themselves that I am coming to value most. Perhaps that even shows growth in myself as a person.

While you and Mom have had a successful relationship, I am excited to receive your letter as I want to hear from you in regards to the same question. "How do I  go about having a relationship that will stand the test of time?" I am excited to hear your thoughts.

I wish you and Mom well, and I want to additionally say that all is well here in Vermont.

Billy had grown-up in a family with strong finances. When I talked with him, that seemed to be his focus. He stated, "While money is not everything in a relationship, it can be a blessing or a curse. Fiscal discipline can make or break a relationship."

Billy's father was a special interest attorney in the private sector and Billy claimed that his mother and father constantly fought about money. They had plenty, as D.C. is no place to live on the cheap; but the bickering and fighting seemed to ensue on a regular basis. Billy had no interest in forming a relationship with anyone where money would be an issue, and cautioned me against a life with Samantha or anyone else where that issue arose. I agreed with him in theory, and had yet to see where that was an issue between Samantha and I. However, having not lived together, it seemed that our trip to Tuscany would flush out or at least give me some insight into her spending habits and her regard or disregard of personal finances. It was perhaps going to be a baseline to go by.

As I thought more about money, I resigned to the fact that Samantha and I would have to iron-out a budget for our trip. We had talked about it briefly with her being a student and I sort of on my own at this point, but bringing a finer point of clarity to the "nuts and bolts" of the issue might be strongly warranted.

Billy himself was a strong saver. While I too leaned toward the "save" part of the equation, I had a propensity to splurge on occasion. Within my proposed profession, seeing others pay dearly for a bottle of wine and even "throwing caution to the wind" on occasion was something I would definitely see regularly.

My personal preference was to build a wine cellar on the idea of investing. I would invest in bottles over time that might be able to be resold at a higher value. Like any investment, I hoped that my solid choices within the background of my knowledge of the industry might lend to some solid gains. Billy, too, planned to have a top-notch personal wine cellar. That was something we had in common.

After my weekend with Jeff at the slopes, I had time during the week to talk to Andrew.

Andrew's answer to the question was simple, but seemed to ring true. "You need to develop some common interests with your partner to make that bond last a lifetime." He explained that he hoped that his future wife would have an interest in wine and fine dining. His parents, living in Boston, were fond of sailing when they had the chance.

As I thought about Samantha and I, I thought again about our trip we had planned to Tuscany. It seemed as though she was excited as I, so I reasoned that the time we had in the Tuscan hillsides would be a building block. She was additionally accepting of my career choice and even liked to ski. Surely we could find time thru my profession to explore the wine world together, and it may even take us to a place where skiing in the winter months would be an option. Samantha and I also liked the beach, so a place on the coast or at least a place with four seasons would be ideal for me when it was time to seek employment. However, that time seemed far into the future as of yet.

Andrew enjoyed sailing, but did not intend to return to Boston once he had finished school. He enjoyed the beach, but preferred surfing over sailing. His ideal destination was going to be San Diego, California. We talked at length about his desire to land a position there at one of their premier restaurants if he was so lucky; just like the rest of us, to obtain the sommelier designation.

We all dreamed that the four of us together would be able to pass all of the exams, but the chances of that outcome was slim...and we knew it. We were now close to wrapping up Italy, and then would move on to America, Germany and finally Australia. While I figured our study of New World wines would focus mostly on the top-five American states for grape production, there was much more to learn if we had a chance to pass the rigorous blind-tasting tests in our quest toward the sommelier designation.

We were now less than two months away from finishing our work in Vermont, and the question of my own competency with respect toward my long-term goals were coming fast into focus. After Italy, it would be time for a visit to Boston to see Samantha. By that time, I would have a firm grasp on the outlook from three of my most trusted advisors, and my father, about life and relationships.

The days of classes and nites of tasting continued. I was enjoying the Italian wines more than I had France. It seemed to be a consensus among the guys, as we liked the big and bold reds that Italy has to offer. Besides Super Tuscans, Chianti quickly became a favourite.

A few weeks went by and Jeff and I had not been to the slopes. We decided to take both a Saturday and Sunday to go skiing, and I agreed to pay for us to stay overnite at the lodge. My intent was to get Jeff's opinion on my dilemma.

We packed the car early that Saturday morning and headed for Stowe. I had booked us a room at the Stowe Mountain Lodge, a fine place to lay our heads for the evening. In the past thirty days, they had recorded eighty-seven inches of snow. It was not a record, but would certainly make for some excellent conditions on the slopes. Personally, I was looking forward to the exercise, and the impending relaxation in the lodge. Jeff had packed the cigars, so I knew he was prepared for a serious conversation.

After a long day on the slopes, we went down to the pool area in the lodge which also had a hot tub. It was soothing for both of us and we at first made small talk. I finally broke the ice and my question to Jeff. He had been thinking about what could make a relationship and a marriage last forever for a few weeks. His answer was simple, but also seemed to ring true. Jeff said, "To make a marriage last forever, I believe you need to designate a specific "date nite" regularly and take a solid vacation once or twice a year. Life is too short just to work and not harvest some of the rewards."

As I thought about his answer, I had visions in my head of Tuscany. The beautiful sunsets over the vineyards, and the plethora of plantings. The history of the place itself, and the people were of great interest to me as well. I felt certain that a vacation like that once or twice a year would go a long way toward cementing a relationship. Again, it was sage advice; something I could sink my teeth into.

I felt like Oscar was on to something. Relationships do have to be dynamic to be successful. I had seen that thru my own father and mother, and so it seemed to be a reasonable explanation. But did that alone scream forever? I needed more proof.

Our study of Italy was intense. I was most interested in learning more about Super Tuscans. Straight from the Tuscany region of Italy, these wines are some of the most highly regarded in Italy and the world. Made from the Sangiovese grape with at least a seventy-percent portion, these wines are commonly made in a Bordeaux-style blend, sometimes using Cabernet and Merlot. Tiganello by Antinori and Sassicaia are two recognizable standards in this classification of wines. Since Tuscany was where Samantha and I would spend most of our time in the coming summer, I would focus my study of Italy on Tuscany.

After talking with Oscar, I felt better about getting the idea of having a love that stands the test of time off my chest, so to speak. And while I would ask my additional fellow students as well, I knew I would appreciate them knowing my dilemma and their individual opinions. On Tuesday nite, I explained over our normal wine tasting that I would be asking each of them for advice. I asked them to think about their answers individually, but not reveal them until such time that I would have together with them individually. Jeff, Billy and Andrew nodded in agreement, and agreed to give the subject much thought.

Wednesday was the normal nite for Samantha and I to talk on the phone. The weather had been somewhat brutal as of late, and the snow in the northeast was being stored in massive piles in shopping centers and other places where the state roads department could find space. Each of us were lucky in that we were not far from school; Samantha living on campus and I only five minutes away from school. Having talked to Oscar, my discussion with Samantha that evening was more fluid. There was not hesitation in my voice nor an err of something to hide. I was working thru my issue with the help of some trusted advisors; my friends, and my father.

After finishing my salad and the calamari, we decided to share an artisan cheese plate complete with pickled fruit, bread and spiced honey. As Oscar thought about my burning question, we talked about school and how we each thought we were doing. It was hard to narrow down who might have the best chance at gaining the title of sommelier, but we each felt that someone other than ourselves was doing better. I, Jeff; and Oscar, Billy.

For dinner I had a seared black cod and Oscar had a fire roasted whole fresh fish. Both were served with some local vegetables and some appropriate sides and spices to bring out the flavours in the fish.
We continued to talk about our current "Tour of Italy" and when w had finished our last bite, I ordered another bottle of wine. Staying with white, I ordered a Sauvignon Blanc from the Malborough region of New Zealand.

Oscar began by saying that the question I proposed was one that could result in a number of answers from a number of people. "What works for some, may not work for others", he proclaimed. "But from where I sit, I would say that you have to keep the relationship interesting...each and every day."

We continued to talk for hours while looking over the expanse that is Lake Ontario. Like my question, the answer that I was looking for seemed as far away as the stretch of the water that I could see from the floor to ceiling glass in the restaurant. Indeed, there was some truth in the answer that Oscar gave. For a relationship to stay alive, a couple cannot grow stagnant. I vowed to do what I could to keep things interesting, and considered this to be one of the tenants that I would work from in keeping our relationship strong, and improving it.

I also decided that evening that I would confide in Jeff, Billy, and Andrew. Perhaps they would each have an answer that I could consider a tenant and add each one to a repertoire that would become the five ways to making a relationship last forever. At the right time, I would confide in the other three.

A few days went by and Dad called to confirm that he not only received my letter, but would be happy to help in my endeavour to ensure that I could feel that I would undoubtedly love Samantha forever.

Samantha also called to say that she was back to her normal routine at school. Plenty of work to do, classes to attend, and tests to take. While I had still not talked to any of my friends in school, there was a burning sensation inside of me to share.

It was also back to work for me and my cohort as we began the study of Italy. Italian wines were some of my favourites, and I was eager to learn about places that Samantha and I might be able to visit in our summer adventure. Kevin was most familiar with Italian wines, so I geared up for another grueling seven weeks; seven weeks I was sure to enjoy.

At the outset, I poured myself into my work, so as not to think too much about the question that was bothering me. "Forever?" However, something in my inner being told me that I could confide in Oscar. Surely he had been thru a few relationships; and while he hadn't said to this point, he might even be in one. In fact, we had yet to approach that subject with each other at all. It seemed odd, as Andrew and the others knew about Samantha based on my recent trip home, so perhaps the discussion was waiting in the wings. I would soon find out.

On an evening when Oscar did not feel like cooking for the group, I invited him out to dinner. He typically did not cook for me and the guys on Saturday nite, as we had reserved the weekends to ourselves. I was still skiing some with Jeff, but this particular weekend was designed to share my intimate feelings with a trusted friend.

Oscar seemed flattered that I wanted to spend some time with him, and I too was excited to share a meal with him. I was concerned about how I would approach the subject, but I knew somehow that the words would appear at the right time.

Spencer's at the Waterfront was located on Lake Ontario's shoreline, offered panoramic views of the water, and focused on seafood; something I knew right away that Oscar would be able to sink his teeth into. Oscar was at first reluctant to stay after seeing the prices on the menu, but I assured him that I was paying and that we needed to stay. I needed the comfort of a good meal and good company.

Oscar picked a German Riesling to start us off, which went nicely with my winter beet salad and the calamari that we shared. After the appetizer course, I began to open up as to the reason for my invitation. I started by saying that I had an awkward question to ask, but Oscar ensured me that no question was too personal.

I explained that I had been dating Samantha for some time, which he nodded in affirmation quietly. I then explained that I was in fact deeply in love with her and that we had recently discussed the idea of getting married. I was engaged after all, so that was also no surprise. It was then that I asked the million-dollar question.

Not knowing how to out it any other way, I just asked saying, "Oscar, how can a man know that he will love his life partner forever?" Being the calculating fellow that he was, he agreed to give it some thought over dinner and answer after we had finished.

When I arose the following morning, I wrote to my father.

Dad,

Since our short discussion at the restaurant, there has rarely been but a minute that I have not been in deep thought concerning the question you asked me concerning Samantha at dinner. I must say that I am deeply troubled, concerned and confused.

It seemed so easy to answer the first few. I am in love with Samantha. And I do believe that I could support us. Love her forever? Now that, my friend, is an ass-kicker!

To me, what troubles me the most is this. If the three questions were numbered one thru three in the same order as above; if I could confidently answer "Yes" to number one and two, shouldn't number three naturally follow as a "Yes" as well. But it is not so. It appears my work in Vermont is not done. I came here to find myself, and this will be another part of that equation.

As I fumble thru this, I want to ask you to be there as I have questions. I know that you have always been an advisor and a sounding board; but this one is big, and I really need a trusted advisor in my corner. Sadly, Mom just won't do! If at some point I get too personal, as I feel sure I will ask you questions about how you conquered this with Mom, please be candid. In the end, this is a demon I must conquer on my own anyway.

I would be remiss if I didn't say that I feel this is unfair. At the same time, life is not fair. In knowing that, I realize you have taught me well. Additionally, it seems better to conquer this while I am here in Vermont. If I can get my thoughts, feelings and actions clear with respect to both my career and my personal relationship with Samantha, let's get a move on...I am ready to tackle it. 

Thank you in advance for your experience, advice and wisdom.

Your Son